Fashion Infractions

I’m not a fashion maven. I own a pair of sweatpants and a handful of hoodies. I sometimes wear my clogs. Even so, I feel compelled to comment on a handful of fashion no-nos.

Crocs. Please god tell me, who the fuck decided that these hideous monstrosities were appropriate to wear outside the home/restaurant kitchen/boat? WHO?? they should be shot in the face.  With piano wire.

Birkenstocks. With socks.  ‘Nuff said.

ANY OPEN-TOED SHOE WITH STOCKINGS.  Seriously?  Buy some Spanx if you want something to squash your fat in.

Ultra low-rise jeans over love handles.  Two words:  Muffin Top.  

Thongs pulled up too high.  Well hello, Shamu!  Nice whale-tail you got there.

Skinny jeans.  Unless you’re stick-thin, You. Look. Like. Humpty. Dumpty.  

Leather trench coats.  I’m sorry.  I know you think you look cool.  You don’t.  You look like you’re on your way to a Dungeons and Dragons tournament.  Oh…you are?  Well, never mind then.  

Saggy pants.  Did you shit yourself?  No?  THEN WHY ARE YOUR PANTS HANGING BELOW YOUR ASS??  You look soooo hot waddling around like a pregnant walrus.  Nice boxers, btw.

I’ll have to add more later.  It’s cocktail time.

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~ by angelarenae on August 12, 2008.

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